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Yeah, its been a while. Why? Kiss my ass, thats why. Sit down and eat your sundae, and enjoy picks 1-10 of my 2006 Mock Draft.
1) Houston Texans - Hilary Duff, SDA*, Houston
Despite mounting pressure from the hometown fans to take a local boy, Texans management was just not convinced of Vince Young as an NFL quarterback. With Duff, they have an established draw to the eight home games a year, and they anticipate jersey sales will surpass David Carrs within weeks. What position she will play has not yet been determined.
*Singer, Dancer, Actress
2) New Orleans Saints - Jesse Jackson, Rev, Memphis
Below is a list of apparent priorities of the government of Nawlins:
a) keep the Saints
b) keep the city 85% black
c) rebuild homes, roads, schools, hospitals, etc
In keeping with this philosophy, no one will draw more Aframs than Action Jackson. Especially not that embellishing asshole Farrakhan. Besides, no one named Bush is welcome in New Orleans, even if hes the best player available.
3) Washington Redskins (from Tennessee Titans) - Vince Young, QB, Texas
First actual player taken. When Dan Snyder heard that there was a quarterback with an even lower Wonderlic score than Jason Campbell, he knew he was making this move. To get to this pick, Washington gives the Titans all its draft picks for the next three years, as well as the rights to their logos and stadium name. The supplanted Campbell is given the important job of making sure Young doesnt try to eat his necktie.
4) New York Jets - Hillary Clinton, D, NY
In an effort to prove her New Yorkness to her constituents, Clinton enters the draft and bargains with the Jets to take her 4th overall. In return, Bill has offered to restore the Namath 'swagger' to the floundering organization, with one exception: not even he will hit on Suzy Kolber.
5) Green Bay Packers -
Packers management ran out of time waiting for Brett Favre to make up his mind, and lose two spots.
5) San Francisco 49ers - Joe Montana, QB, Notre Dame
Upon realizing their exclusive rights to the Hall of Famer expired with his retirement in the mid 1990's, San Fran reacquires them. You know, just in case.
6) Oakland Raiders - Marcus Vick, QB, Virginia Tech
In the spirit of the Raiders intent to 'keep it gangsta' instead of 'being a good football team', Oakland selects the troubled Tech quarterback. Instantly, orders for Raiders 'D. Mexico' jerseys flood the internet.
7) Green Bay Packers -
Two more spots.
7) Buffalo Bills - D'Brickashaw Ferguson, OT, Virginia
Realizing the last time they were a playoff team was when they had Takeo Spikes, owner Ralph Wilson insists that another player with a hilarious name be selected. The front office tries explaining to the 87-year old the inherent lunacy, until Wilson asks who and where he is, and moans that all his friends are dead.
8) Detroit Lions - Chad Jackson, WR, Florida
Four first round draft picks. Four wideouts. A giant earthen hand wielding a giant glock emerges in downtown Detroit, and shoots itself through what geologists estimate to be the citys temple, committing suicide instantly.
9) Green Bay Packers -
Having enough of this, NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue slaps Packers GM Ted Thompson across the face and tells him theyre giving the pick to Minnesota out of spite. Immediately, Packer fans lament management and how none of this is Favres fault. Subsequently, Javon Walker saws through his ankle chain, and escapes on a bus to Tampa.
9) Minnesota Vikings - Adam Morrison, SF, Gonzaga
The Vikings officially do NOT know how this works.
10) Arizona Cardinals - Cuba Gooding Jr., Actor, Los Angeles
In order to bring a 'winning attitude' to the hapless franchise, Cards execs hope to jumpstart the season by drafting the most successful person to ever wear a Cardinals uniform. That this took place in a movie and not real life does not seem to have much impact.
Meanwhile, Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart play paper football at their table, awaiting eventual selection. |
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The compulsion to draft has struck again. Loads going on, with the summer swiftly approaching and the cruise being heralded by our credit card bill today. Tremendous. And for everyone whos tired of being assaulted with feline pheromones at my house, come Saturday morning:
KITTY GETS SPAYED.
Thats right, no more uncomfortable cries, no more intimate foot grinding sessions, and no cha cha slide. Im thrilled that we got bumped up, and if Roxy knew I was about ten seconds from doing it myself with a Gerber, she would be too. What else? Oh, yes. Oysters steamed on the grill are crazy delicious.
I think all the garnish is out of the way; now for some hard hitting facts. I was sitting in bed one lazy evening not long ago when I caught my first glimpse of 'The Andy Milonakis Show'. Before this, I knew a) that I recognized him online from 'The Super Bowl is Gay', which I actually thought was kind of funny, and b) that he was actually 29 or something, making the former a little less funny. So I watching this tubby waste talk baby talk with a surprisingly high number of celebrity guests. 'Well, thisll get a six episode run before swift, brutal cancellation. After all, this is too stupid, even for MTV', I thought contentedly to myself as I switched to slightly more sophisticated Adult Swim. Nearly a year later, the show is gearing up for a second season of cheap camera tricks and what will now inevitably be a cameo by Chuck Norris, who will have little to no idea why hes there. Okay, I like a lot of dumb, cheap laughs myself, but this cant really be enjoyed by others, enough to still the fickle hand of MTV executives. To provide basis for my theory, I asked my contemporaries if I was crazy, or if this was really unwatchable despite the obvious ratings it receives. Naturally, my peers overwhelmingly agreed. This was crap. As I was pondering who was watching if young people werent, Jerry told me that his young teenage sister 'loved' it. Then it hit me.
I wasnt 'young people'. I was 'working people'. Too busy to sit around watching TV (or so they thought), I was out working to make money for the stuff they advertised to kids, and eventually, my children. Now, I knew this, but it hadnt really hit me. Until recently, companies marketing to youth would begin by making something cool to college-aged kids, who tend to be broke. The money is actually made when high schoolers (living at home and having copious amounts of disposable income) would see what the cool college kids were watching/wearing/doing, and then Mommy and Daddys cash would really start to flow. Apparently, some MTV bigwig did a little research and skipped the first step. Instead of waiting for a fad to come around to twentysomethings, they present a product which only SEEMS like the grads would like it. And the true genius of this concept? Not only do they not have to wait for some collegian to 'discover' it, but when they contest the actual coolness of 'The Andy Milonakis Show' to their little brother, the little brother gleefully ascertains that their older sibling 'just must not GET it'. And nothing is cooler than being at the very cusp of cool, and not the dottering old 24 year old whos lost touch. I GET it, okay, it just sucks.
Right?
Or have I turned into my parents? Where Id previously imagined them painstakingly trying to understand the innate complexities of 'The State' and 'The Kids in the Hall', they may have just understood it, and genuinely thought they werent funny. Either Im out of touch, or a door has been opened. A door to enlightenment and understanding that we are all promised comes with age. A door to wisdom disguised as an inability to connect with whats 'cool'. Is 'Andy Milonakis' the first sign of my generation becoming old and out of touch? If the herald of the end of our youth is that gooey clown, is becoming old and out of touch really the sentence it seemed for so long?Current Music: shakira - hips dont lie |
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I cant remember where I downloaded this from so Ill just post it here.
*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got crap to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bull**** u ***s im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bull**** u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right biznitch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh **** help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: eisenhower hax hes killing all my ****
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun ****socker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this **** im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: **** now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoylshti!!!111
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all ***s
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o ****!
*paTTon has left the game.*
Epic. |
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http://oscars.movies.yahoo.com/news/reuters/20060306/765.html
Well, theres just no pleasing some people. Ang Lee becomes the first Asian-American to win a Best Director Oscar, and the left can still find a way to complain. Apparently, the racial stereotype-shattering 'Crash' wasnt controversial enough for it to merit an Oscar win. Everything was going so well, too. Jon Stewart was largely apolitical, Clooney kept his idiot mouth shut, and the only fat, frumpy, poorl dressed bearded guy I missed was Peter Jackson. However, despite half of Hollywood being gay, theres seemingly a huge conspiracy against gay characters in movies. Well, except for Philip Seymour Hoffman's Truman Capote, which netted him Best Actor. Here are some immediate thoughts I had when reading this article, and I feel theyre pretty accurate:
Thought #1: By most accounts, 'Brokeback Mountain' was very good, but not as good as 'Crash'
Thought #2: By most accounts, 'Alexander' was panned because it was a bad motion picture, and not because of Alexanders bisexuality.
Of course there are a few exceptions, but I doubt Jethro and Michael Bob are voting members of the Academy. Time to wake up, Hollywood. Your 'journalists' are a joke, and this is coming from a part time blogger. None of you are going far enough left to satisfy your peers, as you gleefully accept your $100,000 goodie bags full of stuff you dont need while taking time out of your aimless days to tell us, the adoring masses, what to think. You dont know a better way, and youre further out of touch than ever, making these ridiculous statements and blind accusations all the more laughable. You wear causes like accessories, accentuating monuments to your own bloated decadence, and increasing irrelevance. You take brief respite from constant competition and oneupmanship for one bejeweled evening to remind yourselves that you are true American aristocracy, canonized by stupid people who love you, and have yourself a good chuckle over that, but please remember this. You are living commodities. You sell your feigned emotions to us for a hefty price. Do not forget that there is no shame in being adored, as long as you keep exactly why with you always. Good night, and good luck.
P.S. This is why you dont win elections.Current Mood:  cynical Current Music: the rain |
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My brief rundown on the top picks:
Reggie Bush, RB, Southern California - Reggie Bush will own football until he decides to relinquish it. Provided he gains about fifteen lbs or so, he could dominate the league three years after retirement. Maurice Clarett, this could have been you. Bush looked at staying in school as long as the NFL required it and mugging a couple at a New Years party, and chose the former. Winner with a capital W.
Matt Leinart, QB, Southern California - Okay, so he skipped the combine. Big deal, hes awesome. What human being on earth could pull off hanging around another year just to hang out and take one class? Im sorry, I said class, I meant ballroom dancing. Still looks and plays like a pro. However, some people have him as the second quarterback taken because defense and coaching blew the Rose Bowl for the Trojans. By the turn of the decade, hell have won a Super Bowl and reunited Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.
Vince Young, QB, Texas - Also skipped the combine. For him, unlike Leinart, this was a big mistake. The only combine activity he participated in was the Wonderlic intelligence test. Out of a possible 50, he scored a 6. Then, he scored a 16, to the relief of his agents. Thats like saying a surgeon left five instruments in a patient, but RIGHT before they closed up, he remembered to pull one of them out. Well, at least now I feel better about Redskins heir apparent Jason Campbell, who at least got a 14 on his first try.
Jay Cutler, QB, Vanderbilt - The anti-Vince Young. Participated in all combine events, including the strength test, which is uncommon for quarterbacks. What else is uncommon for quarterbacks is that he repped 225 23 times, beating all non-linemen and linebackers except for one fullback. Because he went to the SEC's whipping boy (think the guys that dont make the Duke or Baylor football teams), the Vandy passer only leads a few teams draft boards. Whatever, Elway went to Stanford, Marino went to Pitt, both would be perennially annihilated on an SEC schedule. Cutlers a top five pick, should be top three.
D'Brickashaw Ferguson, OT, Virginia - Top left tackle in the draft. Could be a cornerstone of an offensive line for a decade or so. So highly touted, its rumored that Houston is considering trading the #1 pick to the Jets, picking up Ferguson and a couple hundred others from the players and picks New York would have to give them, and rebuilding the entire team in a year. Hes Orlando Pace in a draft year with better position players. A reliable LT will keep you in the playoffs, right, Tarik Glenn?
Mario Williams, DE, NC State - Yeah, there are defensive players in the draft. Williams isnt the best of them, but he will probably go highest due to the need for defensive ends and outside linebackers around the league. Hes freakishly strong, and whats not to like about that? |
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http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/story/392303p-332586c.html
Seriously, these cretins boo little kids in a parade? Can we firebomb all of New England, please?
Feb. 22nd, 2006 @ 06:09 pm
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| » Cold Hard Stapp Facts |
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For this little exercise, Ill be adjusting my writing style to the 13 year old mindset of the 20-something creators of the Norris/Diesel phenomenon, and like the OGs, the Real Ultimate Power Ninja Webpage. Please bear with me.
Sweet facts about Scott Stapp:
- Scott Stapp cried so hard at the last episode of ‘Friends’, that his basement flooded and his family had to move.
- Scott Stapp didn’t actually make it to the fight with 311 following his challenge. Instead, he lost the two preliminary qualifying bouts to Dashboard Confessional and the Donnas.
- Scott Stapp actually tries to look like Jesus even more than it appears, but he is unable to grow facial hair, or to give up his leather pants.
- Scott Stapp, while an avid non-smoker in the continental United States, is sure to pick up a pack of fags whenever he is in the UK because he likes the way it sounds.
- ‘With Arms Wide Open’ is actually written about Scott Stapp’s beloved Chihuahua, Prime Minister Fifikins, who played Christopher McDonalds dog in ‘Dirty Work’.
- Scott Stapp cant grow the aforementioned facial hair for one simple reason: Chuck Norris strictly forbids it.
- Scott Stapp has no chest hair, but he shaves his chest anyway, because it makes him feel like a big man. He then draws little curly chest hairs on with a Sharpie.
- People drive _past_ Fred Dursts house to throw eggs at Scott Stapps house.
- When after a large Thanksgiving dinner, Scott Stapp found he either had to throw away his most _favorite_ leather pants, or remove his genitals to fit in them, it was the easiest decision he ever made.
- When you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesels name, it makes the anagram ‘I end lives.’ Try it with Scott Stapp, and you will somehow end up with ‘Ponyboy Gimp’. No one knows how it happens, but it always does.
- One time at a Limp Bizkit concert, someone in the crowd threw a lemon and hit Fred Durst in the balls. Scott Stapp disbanded Creed the next day out of fear.
- Scott Stapp is such a pussy, he gets ass raped every day by Michael Ironside and still manages to be a virgin.
- Scott Stapp cant sleep in a bed if there is a pea under the mattress. Michael Ironside sometimes uses this to his advantage if he just wants a good nights sleep.
- Scott Stapp was once pinned in four seconds in a wrestling match against Angela Lansbury. It is a TCIS record.
- Scott Stapp was so scared by the gorillas in ‘Congo’ that he wet his pants, and the pee trickled down the aisle and got on Chuck Norris’ rattlesnake skin boots. I think we all know what happened next.
Feb. 16th, 2006 @ 03:41 pm
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| » Scott Stapp: A Quickward Glanceforth |
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Well, now that my strategically placed whining is out of the way, Im feeling pretty grand. Why? I have found my muse, and her name is Scott Stapp (well, not really…see below). The oft-maligned-by-me singer has always been at the forefront of constant social ridicule. The first part of this will be biography style, the second will be the latest and greatest internet trend, in the way of the Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel pseudo-facts. And now, a brief, but comprehensive look at the life of ex-Creed frontpuss Scott Stapp.
1973 – Scott Stapp is born Anthony Scott Flippen on August 8th in Orlando, FL. The doctors and family agree that the event is ‘Flippen Weak’.
1975 – At the age of 2, A. Scott is first seen practicing crucifix poses in front of his bathroom mirror. His father, a devout Christian, flagellates Scott savagely for three months, to the ardent applause of the neighborhood.
1978 – Learns to sit up.
1979 – Learns to walk.
1982 – Testicles descend.
1983 – Scott takes his hand off his newfound nuts for the first time. A school bully then rattails him so hard he begins wearing a dress and calling himself ‘Greta the Happy Little Girl’.
1985 – Testicles are caressed so much they finally fall off. To commemorate this, Greta the Happy Little Girl wants to change his/her name to something more suitably feminine, finally deciding on Scott Stapp.
1989 – Gets his drivers license, however he doesnt stop walking around with both thumbs lodged in his anus and making a constant ‘vroooom’ sound.
1990 – While walking down the sidewalk with his arms outstretched, he knocks the captain of the 9th grade cheerleading team off of her bike, snapping the teeth from her hair claw. She beats him so severely, he is hospitalized for two years and is unable to graduate.
1994 – Fired from his job as an ice cream man when he accidentally walks in front of a fan. Realizing what the airflow did to his hair and half-buttoned shirt, he was distracted for hours, and eventually inspired to form a band.
1995 – Forms Creed with the two ugliest Goonies, Sloth and Martha Plimpton. Upon playing the first chord of their first song at their first show ever, they are pelted with beer bottles until all three members lapse into a two month coma.
1996 – Forcibly sodomized by a drunk, belligerent Mr. T.
1997 – Learns to read.
1998 – Rolling Stone headline refers to Stapp as a ‘Flippen Idiot’, inspiring 'filmmaker' Jon Heder. Later that year, Stapp is forcibly sodomized by a drunk, belligerent Danny Glover.
1999 – Briefly replaces Eddie Vedder as lead singer of Pearl Jam after Vedder, fifteen minutes before a show, receives a letter requesting he come and ‘fight chauvinistic misogynism’ signed by a ‘B. Freidan’. All Vedder finds is Sonic Youths Thurston Moore in a wig and dress. The band and audience turn on Stapp, and he is forcibly sodomized by a drunk, belligerent Lance Henriksen.
2002 – Pictures of Stapp dressed as Little Bo Peep surface, threatening Stapps reputation as a rock and roll icon. Seriously, though, he submitted the photos as an idea for an album cover to the band, after which he was forcibly dp’ed by Sloth and Martha Plimpton.
2004 – Creed disbands, to the dismay of absolutely no one in the entire galaxy.
2005 – Stapp attempts a comeback with a new look: braids, an even less talented backup band, and forty additional pounds. No, wait, that was Axl Rose.
Feb. 13th, 2006 @ 03:57 pm
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| » Things That Should Probably Embarrass Me But Dont |
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-Im one of those 13 year old kids who decides to listen to songs in the middle of playing other songs so you end up hearing the first ninety seconds of fifteen songs before I finally stop
-Being conservative when it is oh-so-hip not to be
-I know all the words to (and regularly sing in the car) the following songs:
'Rock Lobster', B-52's
'God Only Knows', Beach Boys
'These Dreams', Heart
'Straight Up', Paula Abdul (me and my 12th grade class)
'Time', Hootie and the Blowfish
'Call Me', Blondie
'Me and Bobby McGee', Janis Joplin (consider yourself fortunate if present for this one)
-My grades in college (2.49 GPA). Yeah
-My football predictions. Theyre pretty bad, but so were everyone elses preseason picks
-The way I thought the world worked in high school, before I learned better
-I read Mels Cosmos and Marie Claires when Im home and theres nothing good on. And I check out how much more shrewd of a bargain hunter I could be after just five simple steps. And I take the quizzes to find out how nurturing I am or if Im _really_ over him
-Being an open, out-of-the-closet Redskins fan (typing this is kinda dangerous, because I have too many friends that could hack 'Redskins fan' into 'homosexual pedophile', or worse, 'Cowboys fan')
-The Don Mexico song
-My man crush on Bill Simmons. Its pretty shameless
-The way I dress
-The way I dance
-The way I talk about my darling kittykins in front of people
-The way I talk about my darling wife in front of people
-I had nightmares for weeks as a child about the transformation scenes in 'Teen Wolf'
-My insistence that self-deprecation, no matter how often I use it as a topic, is always funny
-I thought 'The Blair Witch Project' was a cool idea and defended it for years
-The way I flex in front of every reflective surface, regardless of where I am or the gross tonnage Im carrying at the time
-I was terrified of zebras when I was a kid. Not horses, not white tigers. Specifically zebras
-This whole livejournal thing I think people still read ever since I stopped writing entertaining things
Feb. 7th, 2006 @ 10:24 pm
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| » Pissing and Moaning, Part I |
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Anyone else getting the sense that Im off my fucking rocker? Its like in 'Flowers for Algernon' where the guys learning disabled and writes in a journal. It starts out bad, but then he undergoes a treatment and gets smarter, and his writing becomes more substantive and eloquent. Then the process reverses, killing his little mouse friend and eventually leading to his own (assumed) death. It seems like the more progress I make to some kind of writing job or taking my career in a direction I could see myself in as a respected chap, the harder it is to put together anything on the side here. The brutal winter of Ghent malcontents (who want their fucking coffee right fucking now) is nearing a close, and Im sending out feelers for occupational advancement. Best I can come up with here in the meantime? A song about Marcus Vick that wasnt really funny and I only just now realize I should have done to James Taylor's 'Oh, Mexico' and it would have rolled off the tongue a lot easier. Followed, of course, by a week of nothing. If I have to have a) a lot to talk about, and b) NOTHING else going on, Im wondering if maybe what I want to do for a living is something Id even be good at. Dismissing the fact that youd actually have to be good to be a professional opinion-spewer, theres only two things that humans can simultaneously suck at and enjoy. One of them is golf. A career of perpetual embarrassment and underacheiving, while not uncommon, is starting to look less and less appealing.
The sad thing is, Im growing eerily comfortable not doing much of anything important for a living. Most of us east coasters are supposed to be driven career types with goals and timelines and little leather-bound planners with calculators in them that burn out easily (and you cant change the battery because its sewn into the planner). Id always thought of working as a means to an end. While Id like this third of my life to be somewhat stimulating, I never really wanted to be my job. Ive never really understood those who dive face first into a career, living for all the highs and lows of a life spent in the name of achievement. We used to call them junkies, back in the day. Still, I think somewhere in my big old dome lies a way to do something I like, get paid, and still be able to enjoy the other third of my waking life. I just have to find a muse that isnt bitterness or stress to give me a little consistency. In the meantime:
4 things I would ask Willem Dafoe:
-do you freak yourself out every morning when you look into the mirror, like you did me in 'Spider-Man'?
-did you and Madonna ever, you know, with the wax and all?
-does your son look like a younger, just as creepy version of you, like Buseys kid?
-are you planning on doing anymore shitty sequels, like Speed 2 or XXX: State of the Union?
Jan. 23rd, 2006 @ 03:35 pm
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| » The Ballad of Don Mexico |
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Inspired by actual events, this song, to the tune of the Eagles' 'Desperado', chronicles the turbulent times of Don Mexico*, younger brother of Ron Mexico*.
Don Mexico
why dont you come to your sensees?
and choose girls whove had menses
to string out and take home
now your hard one, well hes got his reasons
these preteens that please you postdate 'David the Gnome'
dont you pick yourself a minor, boy
theyll sue you if theyre able
how could you succeed where Gary Glitter failed?
now it seems that theres a groupies legs
spread out upon your table
but you only want the ones that get you jailed
Don Mexico
youre becoming a sideshow
a bad joke from Leno
maybe then one from Craig
and freedom? its three strikes and youre out
think of that when you pout and stomp on some poor kids leg
do you think that you could be doin time?
yeah, waving guns around is still a crime
especially to kids at Mickey Ds
America has had its fill
and laughs at all your 'not guilty' pleas
Don Mexico
dont let this distract you
the Raiders will draft you, all is forgot
just use a fake name, cause Rons works for him
you better choose a pseudonym
(choose a pseudonym)
you better choose a pseudonym
and just dont get.....caught
*names have been changed to protect the identities of Marcus and Michael Vick.
Jan. 12th, 2006 @ 06:03 pm
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| » Righting Wrongs |
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Okay, so I have a poor understanding of the bracket sitchy-ashuns. Even Bill Simmons makes mistakes. Not necessarily mistakes in what is apparently the most rudimentary structure of postseason play, but this is my journal, so there. I figured my NFC picks would be a little more accurate but, well, youll see.
NFC West Predicted Order of Finish:
St Louis
Arizona
Seattle
San Francisco
NFC West Actual Order of Finish:
Seattle
St Louis
Arizona
San Francisco
Hey, I said the top three could switch around, and I wasnt the only one drinking the Cards' Kool-Aid.
NFC North Predicted Order of Finish:
Minnesota
Detroit
Green Bay
Chicago
NFC North Actual Order of Finish:
Chicago
Minnesota
Detroit
Green Bay
After the Cardinal Kool-Aid, I proceeded immediately to the NFC North PCP. John Reimann and his homery were correct.
NFC South Predicted Order of Finish:
Carolina
Atlanta
New Orleans
Tampa Bay
NFC South Actual Order of Finish:
Tampa Bay
Carolina
Atlanta
New Orleans
And it tasted just like the NFC South crack cocaine, because I did the exact same thing with the finish order (my predictions actually finishing 4123)
NFC East Predicted Order of Finish:
Philadelphia
Dallas
New York
Washington
NFC East Actual Order of Finish:
New York
Washington
Dallas
Philadelphia
Whats funny about this is that if New York had lost to the Raiders, my predictions would be the exact opposite of what really ended up happening. And theres honor in that, damn it.
What I got right:
Mike Martz fired
Jim Haslett fired
Portis improves
Thats all, folks
Playoff Picks: (apparently just the first round)
Washington over Tampa Bay
New York over Carolina
But dont listen to me.
Jan. 6th, 2006 @ 08:22 pm
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| » Making Amends |
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Id left two posts explaining my two week break, and neither materialized. Thats like five strikes. As per cricket rules, six strikes and Im out (Im pretty sure crickets just double everything in baseball, like two bats, eight bases, that sort of thing) like a trout. Anyway, Id like to start out the new year by making brief amendments to everything I said in the previous year. Since all of my opinions and arguments are, fortunately, 100% correct, the only things Ill have to point out are the slight inaccuracies in my football predictions. Today Ill do the AFC, tomorrow or Friday, the NFC, along with my playoff predictions for each. Hopefully I wont be jinxing my teams as I reverse jinxed some of them into the playoffs mere months ago.
AFC West Predicted Order of Finish:
San Diego
Kansas City
Oakland
Denver
AFC West Actual Order of Finish:
Denver
Kansas City
San Diego
Oakland
Fortunately, this division came with a disclaimer, and I know NO ONE picked it correctly. Moving on...
AFC North Predicted Order of Finish:
Pittsburgh
Baltimore
Cincinnati
Cleveland
AFC North Actual Order of Finish:
Cincinnati
Pittsburgh
Baltimore
Cleveland
Ugh. Well, it cant get any worse than that, can it?
AFC South Predicted Order of Finish:
Indianapolis
Houston
Jacksonville
Tennessee
AFC South Actual Order of Finish:
Indianapolis
Jacksonville
Tennessee
Houston
I picked the winner, although it was probably the easiest winner to pick. Besides, Houston won this season in another, more (reggie) crucial (bush) way.
AFC East Predicted Order of Finish:
New England
New York
Buffalo
Miami
AFC East Actual Order of Finish:
New England
Miami
Buffalo
New York
Whatever. Pennington plays, Feeley starts, and Im a winner.
What I got right:
LaDainian Tomlinson exceeding 1700 yards from scrimmage (1462 rush, 370 rec)
Randy Moss' mediocrity
Priest Holmes injury (okay, easy)
Carson Palmer capitalizing on Ravens slip up
Ben Roethlisberger improving
Four wins for Tennessee
11+ for Indy (also easy)
Saban beats New England
Jets durability (lack thereof) kills team
Pats win, dont dominate (10-6)
Playoff Picks:
New England over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh over Cincinnati
Indianapolis over New England
Denver over Pittsburgh
Indianapolis over Denver
Jan. 4th, 2006 @ 03:23 pm
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| » Two Words: Delta Force |
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And now, from sources all over the internet, here are a few things that are totally sweet about Americas greatest hero not named Matt Jones:
-Awesome things about Chuck Norris-
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
There are no disabled people. Only people that have crossed Chuck Norris.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you are thinking to yourself, 'Thats impossible, I already lost my virginity', then you are wrong. Dead wrong.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said 'Dont worry about it, honey,' and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, 'Never question Chuck Norris.'
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was Charles. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard-rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
Those arent credits that roll after Walker: Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted 'How dare you rhyme in the presence of Chuck Norris!' and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriends bloody throat he bellowed, 'Dont fuck with Chuck!' Two years and five months later he realized the irony of that statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
If you unscramble the letters in 'Chuck Norris', you get 'Huck corn, sir'. That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Aliens do exist. They are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
In the movie Back to the Future they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back in time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and tequila.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris appeared in the Street Fighter II video game, but was removed by beta testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about the glitch, Chuck Norris replied, 'Thats no glitch.'
Dec. 16th, 2005 @ 04:04 pm
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| » Clemency for the Devil |
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Crips founder Stanley Williams was executed in California by lethal injection Tuesday for four counts of homicide in 1979. My feelings are complex on this particular issue. Ive never been a real proponent of the death penalty for religious reasons, but I cant shake the idea that some people deserve to die. By those standards, if you have them, Tookie had to be one of those who had it coming. Certainly, his prison activities (writing childrens books, speaking out against violence) that reflected positively on Williams was very recent, while the killings seem so distant to all but those who loved the victims. But even while renouncing violence publicly, he never once sought forgiveness or even expressed regret for the crimes he committed. I believe in redemption, but after the confession and acknowledgement of ones sins. The real issue I have with this is that people like Jamie Foxx and Snoop making a hero and a martyr out of a remorseless killer. I caught the movie that Foxx made about Tookies life, and a theatrical attempt to humanize a murderer who wished clemency to save his own life and not because of true regret for his crimes did little to sway my opinion of him. Also, if you have a problem with capital punishment, fine. Campaign against, and hold a candlelight vigil for each execution in your state, not just the ones that will get you on CNN.
Id really like to hear other peoples opinions on this issue. I welcome any and all comments regarding this topic. And, Ill post something funny next time. Probably.
Dec. 14th, 2005 @ 03:45 pm
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| » Late-Season NFL Thoughts 2005 |
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-if youve never seen an eagle laying a goose egg WHILE being sodomized by a seahawk, you missed a great contest Monday
-dont worry, I will be posting again on my preseason predictions and how ludicrous they were
-should Aaron Rodgers be starting? The Giants benched a multi-time Pro Bowler and are doing okay
-who thought going in that Santana would prove a more productive Moss than Randy?
-sorry, John, but the Bears will probably get demolished in their first game in the playoffs if they face a real NFL offense
-the Pats only make the front of the sports page in Boston ahead of the Sox is when they suck. Reason #3426 why Massachusetts should be used for nuclear testing
-Javon Walker fired Drew Rosenhaus and is in the process of changing his name to Daniel Webster
-speaking of Webster, San Diego PR/KR Darren Sproles is really exciting to watch
-speaking of Websters taller, tubbier brother, Byron Leftwich, I really dont think the Jags will be THAT much worse with David Garrard
-why is the NFL so desperate to stick NFL teams in a city that had TWO and couldnt hang on to EITHER?
-however, if Tom Benson wants to move the Saints there or San Antonio, thats his business
-NO TURDUCKEN! BOOOOOOOO!!!
-actually, all of John Maddens non-stammering (relative) eloquence has been a real disappointment
-why is it that the same people who want higher scoring games are the same that think the Super Bowl should be played in the snow every year?
-why would Pete Carroll want to leacve USC for Houston if, right now, the Trojans would beat the Texans?
-that commercial about John Elway being lonely and needing three friends is hilarious
-I want to see the Colts go undefeated in the regular season and the playoffs this season so Nick Buoniconti will explode into flames
-poor, starving, just-trying-to-make-it-in-a-white-mans-world Terrell Owens.
Dec. 7th, 2005 @ 04:21 pm
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